I have never written such a personal account in my blog and what I am finding is it is helping me to process. Something comes up in one blog that I sit with throughout the day and find a new insight.
I wrote yesterday about being a project girl, and what I came to see yesterday is possibly the reason I jump from one thing to the next is that instead of finding joy from the process I am looking to find joy from the project. Perhaps a metaphor of looking for joy outside of self as opposed to looking for joy with in. My latest project, Claynatomy, I have set an intention to just enjoy the process. And I must say I am. There is not big rush to get it done, but working with natural time, with no expectations, even giving myself permission to go with mistakes and learn from them, even if that means redrawing the entire image.
I use pen and a style called pointalism. And what I notice is that most of my mistakes turn into happy accidents. Not all of them, as is the case with one image I have been working on that I completely inverted and not sure that I can salvage. It is actually quite funny when I look at it now. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could do the same with life, find the humor and lessons in our mistakes?
It would sure make it easier to give things a try if instead of fearing a mishap we viewed it as a learning experience, and an opportunity to laugh at ourself. In the past with my art, once I completed it, or came close, if I was not happy with it, I put it aside, thinking one day I would redo it, but actually knowing I was over it. Instead of learning from it and making it better, I stuffed it away, forgetting about it, yet it never went away. There a many such projects sitting in my closet, out of site out of mind.
A lot like my emotions. Just because I have put them aside, ignored them, does not mean they are not there, and just like my unfinished projects they are sitting there piling up, putting me further behind. I don’t know about you but I get overwhelmed when I let to many things go and have to play catch up. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the idea of sorting thru this pile of emotion I have put aside for so many years. Where will I begin?
I remembered vividly an event that occurred where I was expected to stuff my emotions as a child. My grandfather had just passed away and we were at his house with all the family. I was so sad and crying and my grandmother’s sister got angry at me for crying. I was only in the forth grade, and although it was a crazy expectation it left an impact on me.
I never understood what my mother ment went she would say, don’t worry about it, hand it over to God, especially given the fact that most of the adults in my life worried. As an adult I thought I finally had it figured out, give it over to God, and forget about it, right? I don’t thinks so.
In yoga we encourage you to listen to the body, the unpleasant sensation, to sit with them and learn from them. This is good advice off of the mat as well, to set with unpleasant feelings, sensations, observe them, feel them and learn from them. In order to let go, we have to know what it is we are letting go of. Stuffing and hiding them away means they are only piling up, guaranteed to create havoc somewhere in your life and in your body.
The life event that sent me to taking my happy pill, was painful, it is still painful and 16 years later I realize I never fully dealt with it, no one in the family really did as life went on as thought nothing had happened. My desire to press charges was over ridden and many in the family decided to simply forgive believing it was a one time occurrance, that he was sorry and put others at risk. The betrayal from someone I loved so much has had life changing effects on my entire family. The way the other adult family members handled the situation only added fuel to the fire. The betrayal was not only ignored but perpetuated by others. Lexapro may have been my escape from feeling the pain, but it is obviously still here waiting for me to face.
He died recently, actually the day after my birthday. I was so grateful it was not on my birthday, although his passing was a great gift as much healing has begun now that he no longer is here in his physical body. The family bonds, the loyalty to this man that the family was so attached to, has left marks on my emotional body, and with his passing many began to rear their head. (it is funny, I first said ugly head, they are not ugly they just are) I am not sure if this is where my work will begin, but I know it will be a huge part of the journey.
The disappointment and lack of respect for actions that followed, choices that were made were beyond hurtful, and are causing a few to have their own struggles, but all I can deal with are my struggles and lack of proper action on my part. Can one find respect when respect has been lost, not just with others but with self?
I did not use my voice, my power. I realize now that although I could not control their actions, I sat by and did nothing, said not much, simply opting out of the family gatherings, which was a silent permission that it was ok. I saw him once, at his wife’s funeral. It was not as painful as I feared, but I realized in that moment, you can forgive yet choose to no longer have that person in your life. I felt nothing but pity for a man who at one time I loved so much.
The anger is gone but there is a sadness and I am sure buried beneath the effects of the lexapro, more emotions that must be dealt with.
Finding my voice to speak up, to communicate effectively will come but right now I am not sure exactly what I am feeling. It is a process, and in this process I will make mistakes, I will learn from them, and I will take my time. It is time to get out of my way and get through this pile of stuffed emotions. I guess in putting them aside, like my art, I had an intention to someday come back to them. Well here I am, ready to sort thru and see what is in there and do some inner personal house cleaning.