Emotional Genocide a lonely place to be.
Traveling in the plane yesterday, I was reflecting on a blog where a woman referred to SSRI’s as Emotional Botox. I was trying to process that and emotional genocide popped into my head.
These medications are designed to deliberately kill emotions. They cannot discern between the negative, unpleasant human responses and the joyful, pleasant human responses to life events.
The lack of what we call “negative” human emotions became quite apparent to me after the death of my father. But it is only recently that I have notice that I lack feeling the “positive” emotions, joy, happiness, but most noticeable is love. O I know what these emotional responses look like and the responses that they evoke, so I have put on a really good act. One many believe to be authentic, but me knowing it is not authentic. I have become a pretty good actor, fooling many, including myself, but finding this is not the way I want to continue. It all really came at me full throttle with the birth of my grandson. O that little guy is so precious, but I fear that I am missing the true excitement, joy and heartfelt love that this little guy deserves from me. That I deserve for myself. This is a hard one for me to share, but the fact of the matter is, I am missing out on experiencing a deep sense of joy, love and delight that is due me.
This does not negate the fun I have with him, how proud I am of him, it is something deep inside of me that is missing and I am ready to claim that.
I had a conversation with a friend who was thinking of going on Lexapro to help her get thru a life event that was painful, when I explained to her the emotional genocide that occurs from these medications and the importance of feeling and knowing what you are feeling in order to move through the troubled times, I realized just how good I have gotten at talking the talk, but I am not walking the walk.
The disconnection I feel from loved ones I assumed was me learning to be unattached, but realized I had become detached. These are totally different states, one being healthy the other being ……numb or dare I say dead. The many things I used to be so passionate about, that I know bring me joy, I have to really make an effort to get myself to do. It is not lazy, there is just no drive, no sense of urgency.
Where is it and can I restore it? Is this a permanent state of being or something that will pass once the drug is completely out of my system?
This stupid medication stores excess in your fat, in your organs, your bones, slowly over time leaking out into your blood stream. This is why the long term withdrawals, and the cause of the phase two that hits you. The body remands in a state of unbalance as the meds leak out into your system at their leisure. The longer you are on it, the more that is stored in your system.
Well I have not read any mention of the permanence of emotional genocide, actually I have not read mention of this term being applied to SSRI’s but if you have ever been on them, you will understand how appropriate this term is.
My hope as I move forward is to uncover the emotional being that has been shut down. If you think I am fun now, shoot, just wait till the authentic me bounces back. Full of life, vibrant and joyful, for real, not just for show. I know I look forward to meeting her as I have forgotten a lot of her. I occasional, more so now, get little reminders of her, and am ready for the great reveal. Will I embrace her? Yes, without a doubt, and I will honor her, give her space to feel, to be, and to explore her world with a new perspective. To help lift her up when she is down, give her encouragement when she falls, and plenty of time to sort thru and practice feeling her emotions, her life, her authentic self, with out judgment, without expectations. With nothing but compassion.
Are you ready to meet her and extend a hand of encouragement?